Source: http://www.rainbowtrail.info/julie.html

I am a significant other who has been married for almost 40 years.  We have two daughters, both grown.  I have known about my husband's crossdressing since 1987.  At that time one daughter was in college; the other in high school.  When my husband first told me about his crossdressing, my reaction was, "Are you gay?" (And I never knew!!).  He said "No, I just like to dress like a woman."  My second question was, "Do you want to be a woman?"  Again, he said, "No, I just want to dress like a woman."  So began many conversations between us.  I was, as most SO's are, bewildered, puzzled, embarrassed, and most of all terrified as I did not know what this meant.  I did not know if my husband was out of control.  I couldn't sleep, and I got sick!  I told him I could not go on this way and he promised that he would do nothing without my permission.  That helped me to regain a semblance of my life, and I was able to sleep without worrying that he was going to go out gallivanting when I was asleep.

With little to go on at that time, I remembered that I had seen a show on crossdressing on television. The show was done very well, and I remembered that I had learned that there was no cure for crossdressing.  I wrote to the show for a tape so as to obtain information on Tri-Ess, a national organization for crossdressers and their families, which had been featured on that talk show.

In time, the tape came, and we wrote to Tri-Ess and found out that there would be a convention in our area.  I encouraged my husband to go since I believed that he needed to meet other crossdressers and find out what all this meant.  He was a bit reluctant to go, but I said I would also attend for a couple of days.

We went to the conference and he was in seventh heaven, of course, meeting other crossdressers for the first time.  I had a great time as well which surprised me as I had no idea what to expect.  But I met the greatest group of men ever - sensitive, caring, interested in what I had to say, and intelligent. 

When we came home, we were both in tears as we realized that these friends we had made were now flying back home, perhaps even out of our lives.  But we did find out about a local group.  That scared both of us as we weren't sure we were really ready for anything close by.

But after a few months, we got up the courage to contact the local group, and eventually went to some meetings. In time, we told both our daughters. Their main concern was for me and how I was handling the situation.  Since they have both graduated from college and are no longer living at home, they are not involved in that part of our lives, but they have seen pictures and they know we are active.

Over the next few years, we became very involved with support groups.  My husband went on to become founder of a support group in our area, and I became an activist for significant others.  I began writing articles from a significant other's point of view and these articles have been published in many newsletters, on the Internet, and in gender magazines such as The Femme Mirror and Tapestry.

I have cut back in the last couple of years my involvement with the community, but we are both part of a couples group, and I participate in an on-line support group for significant others.  I continue to write monthly articles for my husband's support group, and I have a hot-line number listed for other wives/partners new to the phenomenon.  My goal is to help other couples put crossdressing into their relationships in a positive manner.

Personally, I have found that my relationship with my husband has deepened significantly since he told me about the crossdressing.  He has always been a very kind, considerate, and generous person, and I think there is a direct correlation between his personality traits and his desire to crossdress.

This is not say that I like everything about the crossdressing. There are times when I feel it impacts too much on our lives, but my husband, being considerate, will back off a bit when I complain.  We have learned to compromise.  We have learned what each other's boundaries are.  Early on, my husband realized that he did not want to bring his "femme" side into the bedroom, so I have not had to face the same sorts of sexual issues that other wives face.  I have no problem with what my husband wears to bed - he could wear a gorilla suit if he wants.  That would not turn him into a gorilla!!  But I don't care to kiss lipstick and he respects that.  So when he is crossdressed, he is my friend, not my lover.

As most significant others, this is not something we wished for nor is it something we really like.   But I have come to learn that crossdressing is not a choice.  I believe it is a biological condition that impacts more men in our society than most of us know.  And it is this biological condition which has made my husband the wonderful person I believe he is.

And so we continue day by day working on our relationship.  We have our ups and downs, but have learned that that is normal in any relationship, not just marital relationships or especially relationships between crossdressers and their spouses.

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