Clothes and makeup
Have your own clothes, your own wardrobes and your own make-up drawers. Your clothes are your identity and by wearing my clothes I felt my partner was stealing my identity. You may quickly come to resent your partner if he continues to wear, tear and get make-up over your favourite tops, you probably won't have the same taste in clothes anyway.
This new person in your relationship should be allowed to establish her own identity and dress code, and be prepared to give lessons on dress sense, it may be necessary. Another consideration is that if you work out of the same wardrobe you will start to wonder why he is buying you that nice new dress is it for you, or for him. This will, I assure you, cause resentment and ill feeling. He may be trying to spoil you but you will never be sure.
He/she will undoubtedly use more make-up, particularly foundation and pan sticks to cover his beard. There is nothing more frustrating than getting ready to go out and discovering you have no foundation left. Again, be prepared to give lessons on applying make-up. Frustratingly I found my partner could apply make-up quicker and better than I could!
We spent many hours scouring charity shops and whilst I held up dresses, supposedly admiring them, he would stand behind so we could get an idea if they would fit. He was hardly about to go into the booth and try it on was he? It also added a new dimension to buying him a special present. Men are notoriously hard to buy for, but I always knew I could buy him a new dress, or make-up! You may find this strange, but it's true.

Identity
This new person in your relationship should be given an identity. Your partner may already have decided on a name but it is helpful if you can agree on one that you both can live with. The easiest way to do this is for him to 'dress' and then jointly decide on a name that suits. The person your partner becomes when 'dressed' is different, 'she' will have different mannerisms, 'her' voice tone may change and 'she' may even have different views than your partner. It is scary, but essentially your 'man' will suddenly become very effeminate. At the end of the day, it's not just about wearing the clothes; it's about feeling and acting like a woman. Don't worry though, all changes back to normal when the clothes and make-up come off. Most of all you need to give each other time to get to know, and accept the new person in your relationship and be understanding when one, or the other of you don't want that person around for a while.

Sex
This is a choice you will have to make as a couple. My partner didn't want sex when he was 'dressed', that's not what it was all about. Cross-dressing and sexual activity are not directly related unless you go into the realms of transvestic fetishism which is a sexual diversion and not related to the true transvestite. On occasion he would approach me for a kiss, which I couldn't bring myself to do, but again this is down to personal choice. For me this 'other person' was not my partner and I didn't want to kiss her.

Going out
When you've finally sorted all that out you will find yourselves with time on your hands, time to be together in your new relationship without interruption. What about going out together? My partner would have loved to do this, but this was something I could not bring myself to do. There are, however, many couples that regularly go for a 'girly' night out and are more than happy to do so. Good luck to them, if you can get to this stage you have probably cracked it, but if you don't, or can't, don't feel guilty. You should never do, or be pushed into something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Do you tell the Children?
Again this is down to personal choice but it must be a joint decision and the needs of the child should be paramount, timing is all-important. It is true that children nowadays are brought up in a wide variety of relationships and are generally more accepting than adults, but you have to be able to justify your reasons for telling them. If told early in their childhood children will probably accept cross-dressing as "no big deal" and it will help prepare them to deal with the diversity of modern society. However, once they reach puberty they are struggling with their own sexual identities and it may only serve to confuse them further. They may not have the maturity to understand the complexities involved and so it is probably best left until they have reached adulthood. Remember that most boys' hero-worship their father and girls see him as their knight in shining armour. Both images may be severely dented if they suddenly saw their father in a dress and acting like a woman. For as long as I can remember we hid this from the children, imagine my horror when one day my little girl came home from school and asked "have you got mascara on Daddy?" He hadn't made a very good job of cleaning up!

After that I was totally paranoid about the kids finding out, I couldn't imagine how they would understand and could just imagine other kids goading them at school. My partner wanted to tell, as they got older he decided that this was something he wanted to share with them but I stuck to my guns and wouldn't let him - a decision that others may disagree with, but I did what I felt was right for them at a time when they were just discovering their own bodies and own sexuality. They do know now, but only because they asked. Two years after I had left their father they asked one day and I laughed it off saying they should 'ask their father'. The next time they asked me I decided that they were old enough, they were both in their late teens so I told them. Not maliciously, I answered their questions and explained what it was all about, and guess what, they didn't flinch, they took it on board like adults, we laugh and joke about it now and they still have a good relationship with their father. Why did they ask? Who knows, they must have had an idea, kids are after all, more perceptive than you think. I still believe that the decision not to tell them until they were a lot older was the right one; they appreciated the honesty at a time in their lives when they had grown up enough to see the big picture.

Coming out
One of our biggest fears was being found out. Apart from the embarrassment and shame of friends and family knowing it seemed inevitable that should his employers find out this would surely put an end to his career prospects. It does seem, in this day and age, that more and more transvestites are coming out. I have, in the last couple of years come across at least two at work. The tide is turning, legislation has been put in place to ensure that the 'transgender' community have the same rights as everybody else, employers also are becoming more accepting. There is a long way to go, twenty years ago it would have been almost impossible to tell anyone you were gay, now it's not so difficult and is widely accepted. With the likes of Eddie Izzard (who I adore) fighting the cause it is only a matter of time before transvestites are accepted for what they are and not ridiculed.

Perhaps it is here we should mention transphobia, a reaction of fear, loathing and discriminatory treatment of people whose gender identity or gender presentation (or perceived gender or gender identity) does not match, in the socially accepted way, the sex they were assigned at birth. It is commonly believed that our biology is our destiny, transgendered people are confused, if not mentally ill, transsexuals are frauds, intersexuals (pre-surgery) are freaks of nature and that a transgendered woman is really a gay man who cannot come to terms with 'his' same sex desires. These beliefs will not change overnight, but it is happening, slowly. These are all things you are probably already scared of, and may encounter if you decide to come out, yet another reason for having the support of a society or group around you.

In conclusion
In all honesty and cannot say that my partners transvestism led to our divorce, but it didn't help. We spent twenty plus years tussling with the situation, our marriage clouded by periods of great loneliness and deep seated unhappiness on both sides, he with his frustration in trying to get me to understand his plight, building up his wardrobe then throwing it all away again to try and be 'normal'; me, I was scared, I tried so hard to understand him, to be sympathetic, but could never quite get over my initial revulsion. We needed help, it was out there but we just didn't know where it was, and even if we had known we were too scared to ask.

Would I do it all again, probably not, I would walk away but for those of you who are willing to give it a go, to support your partners, and those of you who are fighting with the need to tell their loved ones help can be found at The Beaumont Society. Founded in 1966 and dedicated to the special needs of those who feel the desire, or compulsion, to express a feminine side to their personality by dressing, or living, as "women". The Society is an organisation run for, and by, people who like to wear the clothes of the opposite gender and people who may be transsexual. Support is given to help develop self-acceptance, peace of mind and understanding and can help in gaining acceptance by partners, relatives and friends.

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