Source: http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/wifesperspective.html

After two years of marriage you've just found out our husband is a transvestite - what the hell do you do now?

At 22 years of age I was an 'innocent', naive to the point where I thought sex meant the missionary position and I didn't understand anything about transvestism, gay relationships and sexual diversity, so as you can imagine my partners 'confession' came as quite a bombshell. I didn't know who to turn to, felt disgusted and ashamed and extremely lonely. Since then, and having been made to watch over the years, chat shows on the subject, and read any articles that could be found it seems the tide is changing and many wives will now readily accept their husbands wish to fulfil their need to dress and act as a woman. But for every willing wife there will be one that is shocked, scared and alone. 26 years on I hope my experiences and insight can help other couples that may find themselves in a similar situation.
Firstly lets try and explode some of the myth by defining common terms in use today.
 

Transvestite taken from the Latin tran across, over and vester to dress or wear, was coined in the early 1900's by Magnus Hirschfeld to describe people who habitually and voluntarily wore clothes of the opposite sex. Unfortunately he included in this group homosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals thus causing confusion in interpretation. It is estimated that only about 10% of the transvestite population are gay/bisexual, the other 90% being heterosexual; interestingly these figures correlate with similar findings across the general population, i.e. only 10% of the general population are gay/bisexual. Most transvestites will only have sex, or fantasize about sex with a woman. They are, for the most part, happy with the role of husband and father and enjoy being men, seldom want to live as a woman or to become a woman, but simply want to be like a woman. A more modern, and accurate euphemism is Cross-dressing, which means to wear clothes of the opposite sex. For many transvestites cross-dressing helps them to express the feminine side of their personality and the need to cross-dress is an integral part of their psychological self; they would see life without the ability to fulfil their need as a tragedy.

Transsexual - introduced in the 1960's by Dr. Harry Benjamin. In 1966 Dr. Benjamin published 'The Transsexual Phenomenon' outlining among other things the differences between transsexuals and transvestites. Dr. Benjamin's work paved the way forward for the future making it easier for thousands of transsexuals to obtain treatment. The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association still sets the standards for treatment. A transsexual feels strongly that they have been born in the wrong body and feel that the body they have doesn't belong to them. Coupled with this they may have a sense of hatred towards those parts that identify their gender. They are aware from a very early age of the conflict between mind and body and this can cause untold suffering until corrected by treatment and surgery.

We can now see that a transvestite is some one who dresses up as the opposite sex (cross-dressing) and is not gay, unless he is also homosexual; the two do not go hand in hand. A transvestite has a deep-seated need to the wear clothing, act and feel like the other sex. It is still unknown whether this is genetic, psychological or a learned behaviour, but ask most transvestites and they will tell you that they have felt this way for as long as they can remember and that no matter how hard they try and fight it, the feelings always come back and never go away.

In other words, don't try to change them because in the long term you will fail.
Although a transsexual does participate in cross-dressing this is part of their transition from one gender, through treatment and surgery to another. The term transsexual is not gender specific, there is almost an equal division between male-to-female and female-to-male cases.
Because of the widespread confusion in the translation of the above terms it takes great courage for someone to admit to being a transvestite. The word in itself conjures up laughable cartoons in most people's minds and assumptions of homosexuality. When my partner took his courage in his hands and admitted his true feelings I had exactly that reaction, and due to ignorance disappeared into a world of shame, guilt and fear for the future. So how did we get through it?

The strongest advice I can give is for both partners to be totally honest with each other. In hindsight I may not have got married if I had known before, but at least I would have had the choice and it may have spared both of us of years of playing ping-pong with each other's emotions. It is equally important for the wife to be totally honest about her feelings, even if these are initially shock and revulsion. As a couple you have to know where the starting line is and for some it will be an extremely steep learning curve to the finish line; not all of you will succeed in reaching the top. I was not amused to find that my partner had been enjoying the company of my clothes whilst I was at work. One of the first questions I asked him was whether he was gay, he of course said no, and although he never gave me cause to believe he was, because I didn't know any better this question worried me at regular intervals throughout our marriage.

Once you have been totally honest with each other you can decide whether you think you have a future together. For some there will be total acceptance and your lives will carry on as before with a few lifestyle changes. This is the ideal world and wonderful if it happens, it opens up a whole new range of activities and introduces a new 'friend' into the relationship. For others it will see the end of their relationship, but hey, if one of you has a problem with the situation then it will probably never work anyway. Like anything else you do in relationships, if both parties are consensual and happy then go for it, otherwise forget it because that means it you are probably wasting your time and one of you is hurting. For my part I wasn't totally honest with my partner. Because I was ignorant of the facts, and because I thought it might be a passing fancy I went along for the ride thinking it would 'go away'. Over the years I went through varying emotions from pity, because he couldn't help himself; acceptance that this was just a small part him and I couldn't change it; guilt, and loathing because I didn't feel he was the 'man' I had married. In recent years society has relaxed its attitude to sexual practices and leanings and with the advent of the Internet it is far easier to gain understanding or even find groups who can help. Unfortunately 26 years ago this sort of information was not so readily available. There are organisations out there nowadays who can help you learn together how to adjust to your new relationship and hopefully make it work for you. Support is the key word here, believe me you need it. The Beaumont Society, who have been around since the 1960's were unknown to us. If we had been more courageous and looked for help this Society would, I feel, have made a great difference to our lives. It may not have altered the outcome, but there wouldn't have been so much soul searching, so many tears and so much anger and loathing between us, all born out of ignorance.
The worst is behind you now, you have faced the truth, gained some support and have to look at the practicalities, and hopefully the advice that follows will help.

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